I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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