Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
