My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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