He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
