hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
