Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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