I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
