I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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