She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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