my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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