you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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