Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
