he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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