so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
