kristin has been a bad kristin
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
What a dumb baby whore.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
