I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
