if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
