I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
vagina is talking i cant
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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