I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
