I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
