I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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