we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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