It was confusing and full of hummus
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
