just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
