I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
