went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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