dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
