I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
