I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize