i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
that may or may not have been my penis.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
