I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
