Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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