I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
