I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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