I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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