You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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