I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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