the condom got lost in my hair
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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