Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
They have beer where we have blood.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
