So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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