i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
