Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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