I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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