Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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