i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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