Life is so much better after having sex.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
