and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
