Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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