The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
