My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
