first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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