i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The air was thick with penises
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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