My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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