i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
