i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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