I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
