I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
