I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
