Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
