I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
