Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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