Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
