You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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